- Um, hello.
What is--how much are drinks?
- Complimentary.
- Oh, I will definitely have one, in that case.
Okay. Yep.
Thank you for your service.
- Josh? - Holy shit, Pete Hoffman.
I haven't seen you since what? Algebra II.
- God, all I remember from that class
was playing Phoenix on our TI-89's.
- Hmm, hmm, trying to remember.
Who was it that got the high score?
Shut up, you bastard, I--
- That's me; you bow down to me. - I do, indeed.
- Man, those were the days.
Wow, before we had to grow up
and join the boring real world.
- Tell me about it. - So what are you up to, bud?
- Oh, not too much. I'm living downtown.
Still eating and drinking a little too much.
I'm an astronaut. - What?
You're--you're an astronaut? - Yeah, I work for this place.
It's the National Aeronautics Space Administration.
- NASA? - Oh, sweet, you've heard of it.
Yeah. - Well, yes, I've heard of it.
- Josh? - Alice Shimpff.
Oh, well...
it's actually Alice Hoffman, now.
- No--you--what? - I know.
- Score one for the good guys! - That's what I'm talking about.
- So how have you been? What are you--
You still twirling the baton, or...?
- Oh, I wish. I'm an astronaut.
- I'm sorry, you're both astronauts?
So, you guys work together? - No, no, I'm on Gamma.
She's on Argo. - Yeah.
Oh, but you know who I do work with?
Tom and Carla from Ms. Margolin's class.
- Tom, the kid that got suspended for whip-its?
- Yeah. - He made a 180, man.
He's doing great.
- So, Josh, what do you do?
- Astronaut, right? - Uh...
♪ ♪
- Ah!
♪ ♪
- You wanted to see me, Mr. Pell?
- So our office manager, Vanessa, is leaving to...
Take care of her kids.
Her job is yours if you want it. - What?
Seriously?
I--I am so honored.
Might I inquire as to how you arrived at,
uh, choosing me for this job?
- I asked which temp has been here the longest,
and someone said it was you. - I see.
So my experience gave me the edge.
The wise old owl, as it were.
I'll go with that. That's fine.
- Oh, yep.
- Voilà. Eggs à la Tom.
- Okay, before we dig in,
I would like to propose a toast to Josh,
who has some exciting job news.
- What? What job news?
- It's not that big a deal.
- It's a huge deal.
He's the new office manager.
- Oh. - This--this is true.
- What does that mean? Office manager?
- I'll do stuff like order supplies,
organize staff events,
like March Madness pools
and Girl Scout cookie season.
Stuff like that, and...
I get...
♪ Dun duh-duh-duuh ♪
My own business card... - So cool.
- With my name. That's the name you gave me.
- So cool.
That's awesome. I love it.
- Joshie,
I thought you were only working at this place
until you figured out
what you really wanted to do with your life.
- This is a smart move for Josh. - No!
Josh is special.
- Jesus. What's her problem?
- Josh, I think there's something you should see.
- I don't remember this really big tent.
- ♪ Josh is sanctified ♪
all: ♪ Sanctified ♪
- Who are these people?
- You know how your mom likes to brag about you.
- Yeah.
- These people listen. - Oh, man.
What did she tell them? - Oh, just the usual.
That you're smart and talented and a living god.
- What? - Yeah.
Oops, I got to go. I have to play the bass.
- Did he say living god?
- Josh is testing me.
Oh, he is testing me.
He told me, "I got a job offer, mum,
and it ain't a good one!"
But you know what I did?
I believed
that Josh is destined for greatness!
He could be a doctor!
He could be a lawyer!
- I'm a lawyer, Mom.
- He could be the president...
of the United States of America!
Talamacah-shebaccah!
Yaminah-yaminah!
Hocko!
Shaka-laka-laka!
Homina! Homina, homina!
- No, no, Mom, will you please stop?
You're really embarrassing me right now.
- It's he. The great one.
- I'm not a god. I'm not even kind of a god.
- Then how do you explain these holy relics?
- No, there's-- they're not--
those are mostly participation medals.
Mom, look, just face it.
There might not be--
maybe there's nothing I'm naturally gifted at.
- Oh, really? Nothing?
Well, what about that summer at computer camp?
♪ ♪
You were the best in the bunch,
and they gave you a certificate to prove it.
- Uh... wow.
- Made the frame himself. Shop class.
- May--maybe you're right.
- Maybe I've been selling myself short.
- Oh, yeah. - You know, maybe...
Maybe screw that office job. - You say it!
- Soulless office job.
I'm gonna do something with my life.
I'm gonna--I'm gonna follow my heart!
- Hallelujah!
- Mr. Pell, could I speak to you a second?
Just a-- - Mm.
Thank you.
I'm sorry to put you in this position,
but, uh...
upon further consideration,
I realize that I'm gonna have to decline
that office manager job.
- I see.
- I just-- it would be unfair to me
to place limitations on myself to do anything
other than follow my dreams.
- Are you watching porn?
- Yeah.
Yeah.
- Ugh, I can't believe you still buy Schmort's Ice.
I stopped drinking this cheap shit in college.
- And there, I did it! - Did what?
- I just signed up for a six-week beginners course
on computer coding.
I'm gonna try and be a video game designer.
- That's awesome. - Right?
No, I think my mother's right.
It's time I start living up to my potential,
and I think I might even have an idea for my very first game.
- What is it? - All right.
I can tell you.
You just got to promise to keep it a bit of a secret.
- These lips are sealed. - All right.
You're, like, the first person I'm saying it to,
like--okay.
It's called "Abandoned Planet," all right?
It's about a group of space marines
who receive a mysterious distress call
from an abandoned planet,
uh, but there's a twist.
The planet's not actually abandoned.
- Who's on it?
- Like...aliens.
- Okay.
Josh, I play a lot of video games,
so I have a higher bar than most people...
But I got to say,
that is the coolest shit I have ever heard.
- Really? - Swear to God.
I knew it.
- Dude, to "Abandoned Planet." - To "Abandoned Planet."
Oh, this is so exciting.
Oh, this beer is terrible.
It's like hot dog water. - That's really bad.
Phew.
- One of the most important things you can't forget
is to use a semicolon at the end of every line of code.
Otherwise your program, it's just not gonna run.
♪ ♪
We wanna force the loop to exit here.
What command do we use? Josh?
- Uh, break command. - That's correct.
Now we can work on the code section below it.
♪ ♪
- Wow. That's awesome.
- Congratulations, Josh.
Are we gonna see you in our advanced class?
- You betcha. - Good stuff.
- Yeah.
Phew.
Um...
Okay, uh, am I in the right class?
- Yes, Josh, have a seat.
We just got started.
- Oh, thanks.
- Okay, now that you've all gone through beginners coding,
which--let's be honest-- was a bit of a joke, wasn't it?
We're now gonna get into
what I like to call real computer programming.
There's gonna be a little bit of a learning curve,
but you should be able to get the hang of it
as long as you have a handle on calculus,
analytic geometry, data architecture,
and computational linguistics.
You're gonna be fine. - Oh, man.
- Let's get started by saying our names
and something interesting about ourselves.
- Uh, my name is Sporlon,
son of Borlon.
I come from a race of highly evolved
ultra-brained superhumans.
- I am Valeron,
son of Valeron.
I, too, come from a race of highly evolved
ultra-brained superhumans.
- Josh?
- Oh.
Uh, I am Josh.
Uh...
and something interesting about myself,
um...
Broke my elbow when I was ten
while I was rollerblading.
- Okay, uh-- - Yeah, thanks.
- Let's get started.
We then utilize Dijkstra's algorithm,
visiting each vertex recursively,
guaranteeing the shortest path.
- Hey, hey, Borlon.
Psst, Borlon.
- Yes? - I'm struggling, man.
Would you mind helping me a bit?
Fine.
What is it?
- Thank you.
Thank you. I'm so sorry to interrupt.
- No, it's awesome.
- I'm just, like, so confused by this algorithm.
- Well, just pulse your neurons
until the answer manifests itself.
- What? Pulse? Pulse my neurons?
Pulse my neurons. Was that in the book?
- I'm gonna pay attention to Greg now.
- And that's that on bounded heuristics.
Great first class, everyone.
Tonight's assignment is just gonna be a fun one.
I want each of you to design a professional quality video game.
- For sake.
- This'll be your "Call of Duties,"
your "World of Warcrafts," but not those exact games.
all: Ha.
What?
- Wow, wha-- what?
I've never seen you work this hard in your entire life.
I'm impressed, okay? This is amazing.
This is really cool.
- Um, I am drowning, Liz.
The other students are just so advanced, right?
They all... they get
the concepts... right away,
and I can't prove this,
but I suspect they may be
tapping into a collective hive consciousness.
I don't know what I'm gonna do.
- Well...
Okay.
This is your dream? - Yeah.
- So, if this is really your dream, then...
- Yeah.
- Then screw those other guys.
They sound lame. - Yeah.
- You deserve to be in that class.
♪ ♪
Man, oh, man.
That was one hell of an assignment, huh?
Hey, uh, what're you up to this weekend?
Do you wanna grab a beer or something?
- Thanks, but I think I'm just
planning on lying low this weekend.
- Oh, yeah, no. Fair enough.
- All right, class, I'm really excited
to see everyone's video games.
So who wants to go first? - I do, Greg.
- Borlon, okay, great.
Why don't we all gather around his computer.
- Actually, I can project the video game
as a hologram from my skull.
- Great. Show us what you got.
Jesus.
Jesus Christ!
- Nice use of the parallax occlusions
we talked about yesterday.
- I mean, I was just gonna say the dragon looks cool.
- Ahh!
- My game is called "Golden Blade."
- Very nice.
Pass.
Josh, would you like to go next?
- No--I mean, um...
Yeah, yeah, I could,
but if, uh...
Valeron or, uh, Ob--
um, Albien--Albon would like to go--
- Don't be silly. Come on, everyone.
Let's gather around. - So, uh, yeah.
Here it is.
♪ ♪
God damn it.
Uh...
What do you think?
Control, Alt, Delete?
Is that-- what do you guys think?
- That's--it's okay. It's okay.
- We're done? - Yeah--yeah, yeah.
I'm sorry, Josh,
I just don't think video game design is for you.
- I--it-- but it has to be for me, man.
I got noth--like, this--this is my dream.
- Sometimes dreams are just dreams.
- Borlon, will I see you at the cool party this weekend?
- Definitely. - You--Borlon!
When I asked you what you were doing this weekend,
you said you were laying low.
- Well, um, the thing is,
um, at the time that you asked what I was doing,
I actually was planning on laying low this weekend.
That much is true.
- I get it. Just--just go.
- Thank you.
Bye-bye. - Bye-bye.
- Mr. Pell, could I talk to you for a second?
- Sure.
Uh...
I-I would like to reopen
the office manager dialogue.
Uh, so, upon further...
further consideration,
I realize that I would love
to reaccept that job
if it were still available.
Truth is, I would be lucky to have it.
- Great.
The truth is, I don't really care, so...
you can have the job.
- Oh, thank you. Thank you.
Thank you.
Yep, right.
- Your expected wait time is 40 minutes.
- Enter the item code into the second entry field.
What the hell does that mean?
- Paycheck. - Thank you.
- Your expected wait time is 2 hours.
- What? How did that happen?
- So, Josh, how are your computer classes going?
Now, I want to hear everything.
- Yeah. Oh, good. Good, thank you.
- I've never played a video game in my life,
but once yours comes out, I'm gonna be all over it.
- You should try "Tetris." - It's a good one.
- By the way, I was reading a very interesting article
in "The New York Times"
about Mark Zuckerberg.
I think you should talk to him.
- No, I--Mark Zuckerberg doesn't want to talk to me.
- Oh, sure he does. - Yeah.
- You two would have a lot in common.
- Huh.
- And then when you're done with that,
maybe you could take a look at that printer of mine.
You know, I really-- I appreciate the support.
The thing is-- - Oh, wait, I almost forgot.
I know you haven't graduated yet...
- She did not. - Oh, no.
- But I couldn't help myself!
We're just all so proud of you.
- Okay...
- That is so adorable. Look.
Yeah, uh, I quit those classes.
I was just in way over my head.
I took that office manager job.
- You're better than that job. - No, I'm not.
I'm not; that job is literally the best I can do,
and I'll be honest.
All the, like, overwhelming expectation and pride
was making me feel terrible about myself.
I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry, Josh.
I didn't want you to feel bad.
- Well, I'll, uh...
I'll get some plates.
- Dude, this game, "Golden Blade," is sick.
- Yeah, yeah, it was a big big hit.
Borlon knows what he's doing.
- Wait, Borlon made this game? - Yeah.
- Must have just came right out of your class...
- I guess so. - And just killed it.
- Yeah.
- But, you know, I mean,
I'm sorry that your dreams died.
- Thanks. - Yeah.
- Thank you. - Yeah.
- Whoa!
- Hey, we're out of beer. Should we get more Schmort's?
- Actually, you know what?
I can do a lot better than Schmort's.
- Really? - Yes, really.
And I'll tell you what.
It's on me.
- Dude, that's awesome.
- That is awesome.
So how do I look?
- You look great.
Uh, let me just put your cap on.
both: Okay.
- Now remember, tassel to your left.
- Oh. - Okay?
You haven't graduated yet.
- All right, wish me luck.
- Good luck. - Here goes nothing.
- Big moment.
♪ ♪
- Greetings, friends and loved ones.
We are gathered here today
to celebrate the young men
and young women of this community
who are graduating from their shitty beer
to a decent beer.
Also, keep in mind,
this week I have reduced my mixed nuts to $6.99,
not like Ernie's across the street,
but enough about me.
Now, the first graduate I want to bring up today,
he used to be big, big loser,
and we would see him go outside, we would laugh at him,
and he's almost a man now.
Please, help me welcome to the cash register
Mr. Josh Greenberg.
- That's you!
Whoo!
♪ ♪
Joshie! You the man!
This is a good one, right?
both: Yes!
- Congratulations. - Thank you.
- $10.99. - All right.
- Wait! Wait, don't start without us.
- Hey! - Hey, Bud.
I'm so sorry we're late. - There--oh.
- Your mom forgot the camera. - Oh, Tom.
♪ ♪
Oh, look, Tom.
Tom, he's paying with a 20.
- It's a 20. - Oh, my Josh.
- Would you like to donate $1
to the American Red Cross?
- No, that's--
Yeah!
- ♪ With the good Lord beside me ♪
♪ And his love to guide me ♪
♪ I know that someday I can find my dream ♪
- So those will be product codes 1-1-4-K
and 1-1-5-K.
I know, exotic, right?
All right, thanks, Pat.
Good luck with that cold. All right, bye-bye.
- Hi, sorry to interrupt.
Um, I'm the new temp, and I'm wondering if I can get
a new chair for my desk
because the old one smells really terrible.
- Oh, yes, that's--oh. Of course, yeah.
Uh, I'll order one today.
It'll be here, um...
Uh, Wednesday.
- Great, thank you. I'm Rosa, by the way.
- I'm Josh. Actually...
Josh Greenberg, office manager.
- Cool card. - Oh, thanks.
Whoa...
♪ ♪
- ♪ Trouble falls in my home ♪
♪ Troubled man, troubled stone ♪
♪ Turn a mountain of lies ♪
♪ Turn a card for my life ♪
♪ Man of steel, man of heart ♪
♪ Tame our ways if we start ♪
♪ To devise something more ♪
♪ Something halfways ♪